This time last year...

This time last year I received a phone call from my sister in Minnesota. She said "Shelley somethings wrong with dad, you'd better get over there, Brad's calling 911" I almost left with no shoes on. I chased the ambulance the whole way there daring a cop to pull me over. I was crying and begging God to let him be okay. I was picturing the long night ahead in the waiting room and wondering if they would let me ride in the ambulance with him or if I was going to have to drive to the hospital. I parked in the neighbors driveway because the ambulance was blocking my dad's. It had snowed several times that month and the snow in the yard was up to my knees, but I ran through it anyways. When I got in the house they had him hooked up to a monitor and I could see it but it didn't register with me. It was flat line. The cop wouldn't let me all the way in the room, he was asking questions. And that's when I realized my dad had just called me. He had been out shoveling snow and wasn't feeling good. He said he could barely stay out of the bathroom. He asked if I would please come over. And I told him Dad not tonight maybe tomorrow we could go Christmas shopping and I could return the coat he had been asking me to return. Then my mom got there with my little sister and she said "Shelley the cop outside said DOA, what does that mean?" I told her I didn't know. Then my mom finally asked them if he was dead and that's when they told us. It's a real blur after that. Calling people and people coming over. I couldn't believe what was happening. My dad, dead. So far that was the worst day of my life. I spent the next couple of days planning his funeral and trying to avoid the guilt I felt. I still feel it to this day. But it's a little easier. It's easier to breathe than it was that day. It's easier to eat and sleep than that day. And I don't miss him as much. But there are those times when it nearly breaks my heart. A week after his death we had our first Christmas without him. Then his birthday and his first grandchild born without him there. Then my son's first birthday. Father's day. Now he has missed the birth of my brother's first child the one to finally carry on the family name. And he will miss the birth of my second child, another grandson to be proud of. I don't mean to make anybody sad I just wanted to say to tell people how you feel. You don't have to run out and tell everybody you love them or hug everyone. Just do things and say things that let them know you care. I could have went over to my dad's that day. I didn't go because I was annoyed with him and didn't want to get dressed and pack up the baby just to go to my dad's. But maybe I should have. I could have been there when he died. And maybe it would have been worse on me I don't know. But at least he wouldn't have died alone and he would have known that somebody cared enough to be there just because he asked them to. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if only I hadn't blown him off so much before he died. Well thank you guys for listening, I feel a little better, and please keep in mind the people you care about, not just around the holidays but always, never stop letting them know you care.

Do I feel safe?

Breaking news in Rockford today is about a terrorist attack that was to take place the Friday before Christmas. It chills me to think that the intended target was chosen on that paticular day because it was where he could find the highest concentration of people. My first thought was not what if they hadn't caught him? It was would I have been there? It is possible I'm not done Christmas shopping and I do intend to wait until closer to Christmas to purchase the remaining items. Of course the Islamic Community in Rockford is releasing statements that this was a isolated incident to please not let this affect our view of them. I have never believed that terrorism was a racial issue. In my way of thinking a terrorist is someone who evokes terror in others. I could think of plenty of examples. A white kid who shot his fellow class mates, a black kid who shot people from the trunk of a car, a mexican man who stabbed several people downtown. There are terrorists in all races. It is not my concern the ethnicity of the person doing the act but the act itself that strikes fear in my heart. Things like this happen in Washington DC, they happen in New York, Chicago but my city, Never. I was not lulled by a false sense of security but I guess I just thought my city was not important enough. There are no famous people, no high end politicians, barely an airport to speak of and yet someone felt that he needed to hurt people here. Why? I don't have the answer to that simple question. But I do have an answer to my original question. It's no I don't, I don't feel safe anymore. Because it could be anybody, anywhere, for any reason, at any time. We just got lucky this time, will we be so lucky next time?

He's here, He's here!

Thought I was talking about Baby K didn't ya. Nope I'm talking about my new nephew. Which I recently realized is my first and only nephew. When it comes to this family they only know how to have girls and I only know how to have boys. Until Aunt N and Uncle B had Nicholas. He's the sweetest little thing. Although he's not that little, he's not big either. His hair has darkened since birth but it's still red looking. I think it will get much darker but right now it's pretty light. He has spent the first week of his life in the Nicu because he had pnuemonia from fluid in his lungs after being born by c-section but there is hope that he will come home tomorrow I believe. He just needs to get his feeding problem under control which I'm sure he will. That's about all that's new around here. I'm currently 29 weeks and growing. The baby is quite active during the day and pretty quiet at night. One can only hope this lasts after delivery. On the other hand when I rock Koco at night Baby K likes to kick him so I hope that doesn't last after delivery. I've got to go make lunch now. I'm very tired and very hungry these days. I know I've finally started gaining weight which is a good sign. I go back to the doctor next week so I'll post again then.